Category: Thoughts

Thoughts/

All is Taken Care Of

10/25/2022 1:54pm

Today’s the day. I feel myself being close to equilibrium. Being on the road and living in a car with my beloved cat, Tsuwi, driving and exploring for almost half a year has now come to its conclusion. This trip came forth by a catalyst. A beautiful heart-cracking catalyst to re-calibrate, re-course, re-align my path. I asked and it was given.

I have contemplated long and hard before and during, if I should be documenting and writing about it. The urge didn’t come to me, my desire was to be fully present in the experience. I wasn’t in it to show anyone else, the full extent of it all, it was all for me, for Us. Mai & mai.

During those times, I felt cozy and safe in my thoughts and feelings. A Journey to truly know and understand myself & Self on a deeper level, and finding the sweet spot between introspection and expression, I felt like I found it. I no longer force, I feel, I Be, only then, I do. There certainly has been days where I felt to write and post while on the road, only then, I did.

I do what I want. I don’t do because I should. Fuck all the shoulds!!!! FUCK ALL THE FUCKING SHOULDS!!! (I verbally screamed just now. It feels so fucking good. It feels so freeing. I am free.)

With each heartache, with each redirection, with some days seeming like a fear-bender spree, with each diversion, I slowly learned to show up with full acceptance, and gratitude. I continue to learn that if something has to be forced, then it isn’t. Follow where the current is taking you, and there you will find clues to your treasure. Swim with the current, I see for me, that has been the way.

As I sit in my living room here now, somewhere in North Carolina, I have repurposed the modular “furniture” I had in the Subaru. They are 4pcs of wooden square milk crates that served as my closet/table/water shelf. I use them now as book shelves, with 2 stacked together, while the other two are being used as “legs” for a table, the table top is a cedar panel, which I will continue to describe. This shit excites me so much.

So the cedar panel! not only did it smell so fucking heavenly, it had served as my front porch table top as well as bed frame (to provide a flat firmer support under my bed combo; a Tatami mat, 0° sleeping bag, and a wool rug) to it now my coffee/dining/crafts table at this beautiful home I now find myself in.

I’m still sleeping in the same bed combo on the floor in my new home, and insects have been visiting (mostly crickets, beetles, a moth, and once a small gnarly looking fast centipede-looking thing which Tsuwi saved me from) which is fine. I happily manage until a raised bed comes into the picture.

My current living situation is what I’ve dreamt of and so much more, surrounded by Beauty, huge old trees, nice cozy weather, access to quality water and food source from nearby local small family farms, meat and veggies, milk and eggs, grass-fed and pasture-raised happy animals. Warm friendly people everywhere, with overlapping wavelengths. A slow quaint life. I’m now in it. I am so blessed to be guided here.

I trusted, I followed the clues, followed the feeling. I learned to be fluid, I learned to be open, being tested as I go, and I now find myself in a situation that was so much better than I ever imagined. Opportunities had opened up with such ease. I now get it, the numinous flow, this mysterious Cosmic flow they all speak of. I have goosebumps all over my body as I type this. I now have a much better Understanding, I continue to learn. Thank you Source. It is just the beginning. My body, I feel it tingling, for what is to come.

All is truly truly taken care of. That is pretty much the takeaway. The Creator calls from within, We listen, We dive into the unknown, We trust, We learn, We trust even more, We follow the feeling, We learn some more, We establish our personalized faith, however it looks like is different for everyone, We hone in, We Love, We take action, We listen some more, We stand still, We trust, We express in full, We see miracles happen on the daily. We see the Truth of Reality. All is taken care of, truly truly. And this Truth is not just for me, it is for you too, for You and I, it is for all of Us.

Love,

Mai & mai

Thoughts/

Playlists are Paintings

Anyone else here share this same sentiment? I feel an intense release of built up energy whenever I create a playlist. It doesn’t matter if I listen to it a million times thereafter or if just once.

The process of creating playlists gives me so much joy, puts me in a state of clearing, a freeing, being able to go through a magnitude of emotions and process them. To find a song and then group them, each  correlating to a clump of something within, there’s a distinct ping! Each time it matches, such bliss.

Then, I get to play, work and arrange these songs, these sheer auditory energies (musical artists gifting the world with their purest, highest form of expression. It’s pure magic, if you can really ponder the process of how each song is birthed, it’s just pure pure magic!!!) to paint a weighted extravagant, clearer picture of a temporary state of one’s inner world. 

With each song almost like a color tube of paint, raw material, I then get to add, intercede, supercede, by moving around these energies, until it all feels… just right.. Arranging these potencies, shaping an auditory painting, forming it to fit my own inner world. What this means to me is… I get to move, shape, form.. and have a sense of grasp of the temporary chaotic clusters of somethings I feel within, it’s now concretized. 

With each playlist in completion, a chaotic ball of… once unfathomable emotions, energy somethings, gets to be coped with, organized, materialized, expressed, processed. That’s it, the genesis of a playlist.

Playlists are auditory paintings, anyone can dabble with creating them (especially us that aren’t musically trained but are obsessive audiophiles). It’s a way to paint inner worlds in such a cozy, self-nurturing way. Listening to them feels like a warm fuzzy blanket that I can surround myself with at any given time. A blanket made from my own cotton balls of energy somethings that have been released and healed, transmuted if ya’ll will.😌

*I would literally die if Spotify ever goes out of business🥶. If/until then, I get to live.😝 If you have a song/songs you’d like to shoot my way, you’re literally blessing me with a tube of color, sending me free supply to help me paint my woes away, quite literally, and help me disentangle my joys. Feel free to comment a song of your choice, let me paint with it🙏🏽

Notes to Self/

Lithopyte

Here’s one of the coolest, if not actually the coolest Lithopyte I’ve ever seen. It was majestic. At which has seemingly, no correlation with my entry below, I feel compelled to share almost in real time and thought, the GOAL of this Lithophyte is to grow from a rock, and that it did, thriving and at peace, makes complete sense to me. I feel a lot with regards to this topic. So it can feel extra, as it fucking should.

1/13/2022 Notes to my meek self

You have to know yourself deeply and be completely honest with yourself to know what you really want. You have to discern and know if your goals are really, TRULY YOUR GOALS, goals that must be rooted, stemming from your heart (and supported by the mind) or if your so-called goals are in reality, of someone else’s?

Are they your goals because that’s what you truly want from life, or is it because you’re (unconsciously) trying to get approval from others? I feel like a lot of modern society’s despair and causes for anxiety, depression, is in a lot of ways, a symptom from our true selves not fulfilling what feels right for us, our soul’s cry for help. Why are we out here fulfilling the dreams and goals of what other people think is right for us? Why do we allow them to? That’s the real question.

Before putting all your efforts and perhaps spend the rest of your life trying to reach your goal, my offer is to simply ask yourself, “Is this goal really mine?”

Lifetimes have been spent pursuing personal, career, relationship, lifestyle goals, goals of all sorts, by brilliant people, people who still end up feeling they’ve wasted their lives, still asking themselves at the end “I’ve achieved all these goals, why do I still feel empty?”

(Fckn duh..!! they were never your goals to begin with!! Here you spent a good chunk of your life, hopefully not your whole, working your ass off for that shit, you were fulfilling other people’s opinion of the goals they’ve projected onto you of what you should do with your life, of what they think is best for you. Like what!?? All it takes is for you to say, “No thanks.” Please, do yourself the biggest favor and save yourself a lifetime, SAY NO.
With peace and love of course 💚✨)

Notes to Self/

Abstract Qualities

1/11/2022 Notes to Selves

The quality of your thoughts should eventually match the quality of your words, and then eventually match the quality of your actions. It takes time, it takes continuous attention, and gentle intention, micro intentions, catching yourself on a second to second basis, the quality of your thoughts, words, and actions will all beautifully align. It will. It just takes time. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

About the other thoughts, the sharp icky thoughts. Question those thoughts that glare on the negative side. Ask it, “What is it that you fear?”, ask why it judges. Ask it, WHY? Ask it WHY, in the most loving, compassionate tone you can. Ask it, what part of you does it need to “protect”, what is it trying to defend?

The answer to those questions, is in some level, a way to self-heal, being able to start to tend to your own traumas (just a fancy word for inner emotional wounds, cuts, gashes, scratches, everyone has them, some way wayyy deeper than others). To heal is to understand. Thank your icky thoughts, they are opportunities to present your questions to your inner self.

To question is to understand, to understand is to start healing. To start healing is to start Loving, truly. 🧡✨

*In no way should this practice replace therapy, although it’s one of many great practices I apply to get to know one’s self on a deeper level. Self-discovery is such a beautiful process.

The greatest most fulfilling project you will ever get to work on in this lifetime, is… guess what?
YOUR OWN DAMN SELF. Create beauty, create magic. I ponder on those words often. I don’t know much, and the ones that resonate and find value in, I express. I have a knowing for myself, for my own path only, and that’s it. Please take what resonates and leave the rest. That is all.

Notes to Self/

You Will Die

I’ve always given myself the option of either going for music or podcast right before I dig in into lab work and bag prep. In recent months I’ve added the option of silence, just sitting with my thoughts, clearing my mind while I do work. I had realized a lot of things while starting this practice. As today, starting with the admiration for this V8 agar recipe that I recently started to use, causing the mycelium to go way fluffy and 3 dimensional. A perfect segway into today’s thoughts. My nuanced version of “Live, Laugh, Love” somewhat or something along those lines. 🙃

1/10/2022
Be kind. Take no shit. Do no harm. Stand your ground. Take only what resonates, leave the rest. Know yourself DEEPLY so you can trust yourself FULLY. Balance your heart and mind. Discern and discern well. Be in your essence, DANCE in your essence.

Always remember, YOU WILL DIE, embrace it. And so live it, and live it fully. In your own terms and no one else’s. Again, to love your life, you must live your life in your own terms.

You create your suffering, you create your joy. Choose well. Laugh when shit gets real. Find laughter in all of it. It’s always there. Find love and laughter always, in all situations, and in all ways.

Thoughts/

My Beautiful SAD

A little this and that. A tit for tat. The scribbles that made it better. A Beautiful Sad. Who else feels heavy when it’s cold and cloudy? Who else feels mopey when it’s fucking chilly? How long should it hold?

Here just trying to feel the colors, even when the sun has gone, this will soon come undone. Rip it open, let the rainbow seep out, even when it’s fucking cold out. I’ll be fine, I’ve always held out.

I really don’t want to shed tears just because lady Winter’s here, she lovingly makes my insides heavy and wither. Now Sad, I welcome you with open arms so you see, that now I see nothing’s bad and sad about being Sad, you’re just you, I now see your charm and beauty. My Beautiful Sad.

Thoughts/

I Eat Meat

If you don’t believe or aren’t even curious about reincarnation then the premise of this post wouldn’t relate to you. Carry on and keep scrolling.

Hi this is me sniffing a Sagebrush. My name is Mai and I eat meat. It’s not something I’m fondly proud of, it’s something that I’ve come to terms with in this phase of my incarnation. It’s something that I now honor. To get here, took a lot of inner work. I once felt major feelings of guilt and shame every time I re-start to eat meat, I still do occasionally. In the past I’ve tried to go fully vegetarian then vegan, then vegetarian for years going back and forth, and then eating meat again. I was doing it as it is what society tells you the “right” thing to do is, especially in the spiritual or health communities. While it is the right thing for some, it is my belief that it isn’t for everyone. Just like having a spiritual practice, or to have/not have children. Under the same umbrella, imposing our beliefs unto other people isn’t the best way to go around because it actually repels most. If I were to forcibly tell an atheist plant-based eater that it’s absolutely a must to have a spiritual practice to evolve their spirit to add richness and meaning to their life, I can imagine how they might react. Same goes to telling others about ideas of meat consumption, just because it works for some. I’m guilty of all of this, as I am someone having strong opinions and convictions myself. My tongue had sharp edges, delivering my “newly found truths” with zero compassion, to everyone, masquerading it as the way and only way, and then coming to find higher truths only to disseminate my previous beliefs. I now strive to practice what I believe in and only if anyone asks, I tell them my story, I share my journey, and perhaps share some of my learnings to help them with their work. I hope that they do not find the need to replicate but only be merely inspired, and honor their own sacred individual journey, as it is truly magical.

I find myself slipping back into eating meat, more recently as I physically feel better when it is a part of my diet, perhaps a few to several meals per week. This is not to say that animal welfare is taken to the side because of my own “needs” of feeling better as a human. The meat source is to be highly considered, and this is not to say that I am practicing this 100% but it is something that I strive for. I honor my journey with the efforts that I can currently practice within my means. I have come to conclude that my relationship and intention with what I ingest is far more reaching. Health wise, the feelings of guilt and shame attached to the food as it negatively affects one’s body is far more worst than the food itself. I am grateful for every taste of what is offered to me, all the while, striving to be a better human in ways I can without it feeling forced.

The esoteric principle behind the foundation of this belief, what I’ve found is that all souls that decide to come to Earth does so to learn and grow and ultimately becoming a perfect soul to re-join the Source. With that, I now know that not all souls are in the same level of advancement. All souls will ultimately become perfect, the duration to get there does vary and take thousands and thousands of years of incarnations. Learning to outgrow fear-based emotions such as envy, hate, shame, guilt, anger, jealousy, toxic pride, and greed is why we’re on Earth to outlearn and purify. We need not to judge these feelings as they come up, but to honor them and purify them for that is the only way to get out of these patterns. With each lifetime, my soul decided on what lessons I am here to learn. The purpose of having numerous lifetimes is to learn and purify all negative constructs and tendencies of our once young soul. We can’t learn everything and be a perfect soul in one lifetime, it’s impossible. It goes to show that when we’re imposing our beliefs and views unto other people, we are forcing them to learn what our Soul is here to learn, completely neglecting their journey and what they are here to learn, which is all inherently sacred. I may be here in this lifetime to learn to shed jealousy and pride while someone else is here to learn compassion. I am learning to practice honoring everyone’s sacred journey, letting go of judgment, including judgment I have for my own self.

If anyone wants to further discuss where these beliefs are stemming from, I can talk. It’s truly exciting that these findings are from scientific origins, as it was able to persuade my mostly analytical/logical brain (INTP). With any new finding, I put it to test and if it adds value to my life and boosts inner peace, then these beliefs is fully accepted by me and is here to stay.🧠🫀✨

I’m also not here to tell you this is how it is, My proposal is for you to question what always has been and seek answers for yourself. Why not explore all that could possibly be? and how it could help you out in this sacred journey called Life. Not just to be a better person, but also to feel better in your own skin and truly live a life of inner peace. With every breath, being Peaceful, Grateful, and Loveful. You will be able to walk through hellish situations, unscathed, with grace. Honor your Divinity. It’s there for you to claim. Sending all of you all my Love.🧡

Notes to Self/

Nothing is Left to Chance

Everything was and is is intentional. Nothing is left to chance. Harness the power of having consistent good intentions to align with the Light, making choice after choice to stay in Alignment, walking the middle path day after day. This is possible through our free will in consciously maintaining good intentions consistently, with every thought, every action, every decision. Reeling back and consistently re-aligning the overthinking bickering thoughts, transmuting them into better thoughts, thoughts with good intentions, scattered anxiety causing thoughts into positive manifestations. Manifestations into positive action. Overthinking does not have to equal to anxiety. I own my overthinking as a skill, I use my overthinking as a superpower. Overthinking is a superpower. Overthinkers have the potential to be super manifestors. My fellow overthinkers, I think it’s about damn time to own our superpower. Just a waking thought lol. Good morning. 🌞

Also the photo series, I was gifted this beautiful wasp’s nest (it was abandoned) and had the honor of seeing it from afar, up the tree, and then up close, observing how it was magnificently crafted and attached to the tree. How it was attached has a striking resemblance to mycelium arms. I was in awe as I stare at this damn thing whilst up a ladder that was carried over just for me so I can harvest it myself. Pure joy and honored AF!!

This is the third wasp nest going into Le Mai’s cabinet of curiosities, all thanks to Carrie and Paolo, a wasp abundance in their property. They enable me and I love it.

PSA: Wasps don’t go back to the same nest once they abandon it, they boujee leik dat, wasps need a new nest-house every damn season so don’t go scolding for being a wasp house taker. Or do. It’s whatevs. I guess. If there’s a good reason for me not to take this nest that I’m not aware of, it would be beneficial for me to know. Fire away.